A Brief Attempt at Remembering the Good Things Friday, Jan 30 2004

:: 2004 30 January :: 5.30 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: The Eels, The Good Old Days
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Emmet and I are alone in the art room, listening to sad music.

Ben went to sheetz with Ali Voorman and her man-on-a-leash (not that i have anything against him, but that’s how he was explained to me); doug pretended that he was planning a busy evening of picking up his brother from the airport.

So there’s this feeling that you’re flying, right? it’s not a drug-induced stupor where you sprout wings and soar over the redwood forest.. it’s the feeling that you are in a terrible early-jessica-simpson music video, with sunshine and a playground and a rainbow, running down a hall holding hands and laughing – and you’re happy to be there.

i’ve been here five times today.. i came over before breakfast this morning to avoid the evil drug testing nurses, because cecily broke her personal record and woke up pre-5:00 to do homework.. and then i realized that it was far too cold to walk anywhere, so i stayed for my free period, too. i went to french, which made no sense (as usual), and watched a movie about a girl in sailor-stripes who looks like a cocker spaniel. i ran into ben, who was going to go find his mom, and then went to check my mail. isabel sent me a george-bush-hater calendar for 2004; which is good because i have not written the date accurately once this week. >>bump<< ben again. bookstore; tic tacs. art room.

i am going to get a mcgriddle with emmit. i will finish this later.

_____

alright. i have returned. emmet and i went in his car (gasp) to mcdonalds. it turns out that mcgriddles are only morning items, so we couldn’t order them.. this is okay, because we got milkshakes. emmet went vanilla (which is very ironic because, as his middle name suggests, his is as black as night), while i was daring and ordered an egg-nog flavored triple thick shake! we saw angelo there, who now has more hair (oops. ryhme. damn), and asked me about my sex life. the egg-nog was pretty good, but three quarters of the way through i suddenly has the feeling i was about to puke my guts out.

we went back to school.. ben was there..

fuck.

this goes beautiful places.

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Cinnamon Toast Crunch Man of Mystery Thursday, Jan 29 2004

:: 2004 29 January :: 8.14 am
:: Mood: expectant
:: Music: Broken Social Scene, Looks Just Like the Sun
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(sighs)

first things first. i hate backing up.. but. i’m in ohio. western reserve. not millitary school. the first week was pretty much unbearable. jon’s parents are going to sue summit. his mother hung up on me. dave is in georgia and not allowed to get mail for 2 months. i (flipped a shit/shit a brick) when conor came to a perfectly logical conclusion, and stressed myself out to zombie-levels.

remeber the KHZs? killer humping zombies from zelda.. ahh… i miss tess.

and now everything (with the exception of algebra II, but doug-the-math-king can remedy that) is better.

my roommate cecily

-is a junior
-listens to lots of rap with lyrics like
“(man) when i get outta prison i wanna hit that shit! (woman) baby when you get home i’m gonna ride your dick!”
and a cool song by astmosphere called “fuck you lucy”
-has a triple barreled curling iron of death
-goes through a 2.5 hour cleanliness, hair-styling, and beautification ritual which begins way too early every morning (we’re talking pre-6 here…)
-lives in crested butte, colorado

although her phone rings at 2 AM and her ex-boyfriends have no regard for my sleep deprivation, cecily is really, really nice- she always asks if i want to come hang out with her, or tag along to parties on the weekend, or accompany her to the tanning salon. yes.

the art room

my new music building. where i like to come. and sit. and (not) do my homework.. which is more than a little questionable, because one in a while i get the feeling that i’m the new girl. that’s funny…

ben

(long pause)

ben is pretty groovy.

we went to sheetz yesterday with emmet and john (jon?) mckay. sheetz is .. a cult gas station. it has cultural value. kind of like wawa, with the allure of a krispy-kreme. i had a green apple soda. that represents my day very well.

we were in the art room after school.. ben left me a note in my box (open mailbox = midget cubby) asking me if i wanted to go to dinner. anyways, they were all going to go back to ben’s house so he could change and then to sheetz, which they could not explain to me. i was “sick” (thank you, wonderful people at the health center) so i didn’t have swimming, and had absolutely nothing else to do. so i went.

i met a mike at ben’s house, actually. (his step-dad) i didn’t even have my journal with me, but i’ll get it someday. it was funny.. it reminded me a little of ross’s house. oh! wow. it did.. anyways, it was the subtle sensation of belonging.. while.. enjoying the what? of a humble abode? they threw a bag of trash at me when i came inside. that’s a good sign.

(how is that logical?)

anyways. we went to the cock store, where there is a glowing phallic watertower of worship. they bought comic books.

ben and i.. went to coffee on main. good tea. sam and garrett were there.. i have the feeling that garrett is a really nice guy, in slow motion. he likes phish(?).

we held hands. and went to the library.

i overanalyze.

it was a really, really good night.

the thought that i refuse to let enter my head anywhere but here:

now what?

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And One By One, We Slip and Fall Monday, Jan 12 2004

:: 2004 12 January :: 7.34 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Dido, White Flag
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the first thing: isaiah got expelled.

i wish i could be there. i wish i could hold his hand and hug him goodbye and make him smile like he did for me that morning in september.

everything that lawrenceville still held for me is turning into a cloud of memories, and i realize that no matter how hard i try, we will never have those days back.

mike, parker, lucy, nikol, isaiah.

i can’t believe we’re all gone.

i didn’t think it would end like this so many times. i remember that morning at Tj’s with nikol and isaiah, when i remembered how to cry. i wanted them to be there for eachother so badly; to be the kind of friends that they were to me.. i was so happy. and i still love them.

i remember cigarettes with parker when mr. greenberg let us out to go read… we sat down together out behind KAC and smiled and watched the sky.. and then we lay down in the bowl and shared neon sour gummy worms, and he let me pick out all of the blue and pink ones. and i still love him.

the second thing: nikol doesn’t know who i am.

nikol (5:44:44 PM): do i know you?
shes not asleep (5:45:01 PM): not in the biblical sense
nikol (5:45:42 PM): .
nikol (5:47:07 PM): pardon me?
shes not asleep (5:47:24 PM): yup. you do. i want to go to the music building.
nikol (5:47:59 PM): what do you play?
shes not asleep (5:48:12 PM): i don’t.. i just need to relax
nikol (6:58:16 PM): who did you say you were?
shes not asleep (6:58:28 PM): lucy
nikol (6:58:32 PM): im sorry, my memory has been off lately
shes not asleep (6:58:34 PM):
nikol (6:59:20 PM): im sorry lucy… are you from park tudor
shes not asleep (6:59:33 PM): no..
shes not asleep (6:59:40 PM): thats lucie
nikol (6:59:42 PM): culver?
shes not asleep (6:59:44 PM): er…
shes not asleep (6:59:47 PM): maybe it isn’t.
shes not asleep (6:59:55 PM): no. i’m from… lawrenceville.
shes not asleep (7:00:01 PM): who are you, btw?
nikol (7:00:02 PM): oh
nikol (7:00:08 PM): nikol
shes not asleep (7:00:15 PM): mm
nikol (7:00:26 PM): have i been talking to you long?
nikol (7:01:09 PM): LUCY
nikol (7:01:24 PM): i have a box of stuff that appears to belong to you
nikol (7:01:34 PM): could that be the lucy youre reffering to?
shes not asleep (7:02:03 PM): yes!
nikol (7:02:31 PM): WHY DO I HAVE A BOX OF YOUR THINGS?!?!
nikol (7:04:05 PM): hello!!!
nikol (7:05:14 PM): excuse me. but im getting a bit confused. and i need to know what to make of this strange cardboard box.
nikol (7:23:37 PM): um. are you not gonna answer me?
shes not asleep (7:24:05 PM): sorry… bbl
nikol (7:24:07 PM): i just found 200 dollars with a card inside of the envelope that says RETURN TO LUCY
nikol (7:24:23 PM): bbl?
shes not asleep (7:24:26 PM): yeah
shes not asleep (7:24:28 PM): its mine..
nikol (7:24:42 PM): but why do i have your money?
nikol (7:24:51 PM): you havent answered my questions
nikol (7:25:42 PM): HELLO
shes not asleep (7:25:56 PM): i asked you to save it for me?
nikol (7:26:23 PM): when did i meet you? and thats a very trusting thing to do
shes not asleep (7:27:42 PM): yeah. i trust you more than anybody.
shes not asleep (7:27:45 PM): i gotta go..
shes not asleep (7:27:51 PM): i’ll talk to you later

the third thing: they jabbed me with a prickly bit to make sure i’m not dying of consumption.

just that.

the fourth thing: jon is gone.

dave called me today while i was taking a placement test for algebra I. i skipped half of it. i don’t remember what factoring is.

we talked about how he’s going to a theraputic school called Hidden Lake in georgia, where Mert went. we talked about how he really likes the CBGB shirt i got him for christmas.

and then i asked if he’d talked to jon recently, because i was sad that i hadn’t.

jon ran away.

he was with his family in vermont and on new year’s day, he disappeared.

dave called back on the fifth, and they still didn’t know where he was. there’s no answer at their house… they haven’t been since then.

i hope.. he’s ok…

but what if he’s not?

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