Jeremy Fisher Absolutely Has to Come Back to School and Live on the Floor in a Sleeping Bag Monday, May 30 2005 

4. Junior Year and La Vie Antérieure Lucy B. 10:10 pm

:: 2005 30 May :: 8.45 pm
:: Mood: Rock Opera
:: Music: Les Savy Fav, Bloom On Demand
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how high school plebian is it

to explain

that i have nowhere to be?

there are no corners, no cabinets, no nooks in my room, my closet door doesn’t close, my roommate’s desk faces mine and you can see straight through to my bed. i tried to pile enough covers on top of my body so she couldn’t see me shake, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. i am not allowed to cry in ellsworth or they will sic the dean of girls on me. somehow, i have gotten almost all the way to june, only to realize i have not gotten anywhere at all. i have not made new friends. i have just lost old ones. i am sick of this stupid machine; i want to destroy it, but it’s not working, and everyone is always so jealous. i am jealous of christina because i look across this field and i see her, leaning on ben, i see her body earthquake as she laughs even though i’m a half mile away. i am jealous of rachel because they walked in here together and flopped backwards onto the sofa and i was so sure that was something we did. the funny thing is that it didn’t work even then. now i am jealous of boy and his solitude, boy and his realtors, boy and his quilt, boy and his dog. jealous of fifty states, new jersey in particular.

i am far away from lucy b. saner.

who is captain hot?

(why is it like this – why is my only solution a sharp disappearance – why is the phone ringing over and over again – why is the asian girl in the hallway ignoring it – what is common courtesy – will it ring again?)

there is a girl named lena yoon who wears the same pair of knee length ruffled smiley-face print pajamas to bed every night. in the mornings, she shuffles around looking sedated. when she brushes her teeth, she blows her nose into her hands and wipes snot on the sink. i have never wanted to punch anyone so hard, so much.

oh, and: Saddle Creek Records to Spend over $10 Million Building Venue/Bar, Pizza Shop, and Theater in Omaha, NE

i am saving gas money starting now.

 

I Wait, I Wait, I Wait, for the Birthday Girl and the Pinback Corps Saturday, May 28 2005 

4. Junior Year and La Vie Antérieure Lucy B. 10:09 pm

:: 2005 28 May :: 11.22 pm
:: Mood: toasty
:: Music: Chariots of Fire Theme
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bonfire at ben’s tonight. one part last-winter movie-nights, one part television commercial. we burnt a pleather jacket and it sent up a giant billowing funnel of black, toxic smoke, which was a good experience. also burnt the man stick, jalepeno peppers, and all things plastic. there was a train of ducklings in the water as it got dark out, and the silhouette was an entire childrens book. hunter wore a v. flattering fishnet top, and peter velvet pants, as they were tragically thrown from heffalump boogaloo island into the snapping-turtle infested waters.

would have been perfect if: emmet had come and gone swimming and been goofy, schauer had been there and not been anywhere else, keith had been there without it mattering.

when i close my eyes, the world is split between colors, and needs coloring in before i could dream of rasterizing anything. my feet spent so long by the fire that they’re basically toasted; my shins might be glowing with warmth under this quilt. i had never seen the goonies before – i loved it, but i only saw the second half. i will watch it completely with emmet, as he has always wanted me to see it. of course, right to persist. i kidnapped a box of graham crackers and a chocobar enormity for le semaine d’examinations…

bari is home and everyone is so excited. she was gone for a very very long time, but i still feel like i don’t go here. annie is coming home with boyfriend hadrian, says rumor, a hotso thirty year old parisian. i even talked to margot dess tonight.

[emmet crashed his car and i have been so disheartened that an online journal entry has been entirely inappropariate. oh, tranny, i miss you so. you were the very first car i ever loved. you were good and cheaply upholstered and comforting and protective and i loved you for your faults, your nail, the layer of my extra clothing in the back, the broken spindle (one), the mcdonalds toys, and the music nook. i loved the run down engine that broke frequently and always reparably, i loved the broken bumper, i loved getting out of that car and walking into sheetz and feeling arrogant, couldn't be helped because we had the name. catastrophe team. where are we?]

craig and ashley, katie and hunter, lizzie and doug disesa, han and leia, stanley and tien tien, abelard and heloise.

(hunter, suneil, adam and i rode home in the back of a broken truck. it was a nice drive. i stared at the sky.)