Jeremy Fisher Absolutely Has to Come Back to School and Live on the Floor in a Sleeping Bag Monday, May 30 2005

:: 2005 30 May :: 8.45 pm
:: Mood: Rock Opera
:: Music: Les Savy Fav, Bloom On Demand
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how high school plebian is it

to explain

that i have nowhere to be?

there are no corners, no cabinets, no nooks in my room, my closet door doesn’t close, my roommate’s desk faces mine and you can see straight through to my bed. i tried to pile enough covers on top of my body so she couldn’t see me shake, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. i am not allowed to cry in ellsworth or they will sic the dean of girls on me. somehow, i have gotten almost all the way to june, only to realize i have not gotten anywhere at all. i have not made new friends. i have just lost old ones. i am sick of this stupid machine; i want to destroy it, but it’s not working, and everyone is always so jealous. i am jealous of christina because i look across this field and i see her, leaning on ben, i see her body earthquake as she laughs even though i’m a half mile away. i am jealous of rachel because they walked in here together and flopped backwards onto the sofa and i was so sure that was something we did. the funny thing is that it didn’t work even then. now i am jealous of boy and his solitude, boy and his realtors, boy and his quilt, boy and his dog. jealous of fifty states, new jersey in particular.

i am far away from lucy b. saner.

who is captain hot?

(why is it like this – why is my only solution a sharp disappearance – why is the phone ringing over and over again – why is the asian girl in the hallway ignoring it – what is common courtesy – will it ring again?)

there is a girl named lena yoon who wears the same pair of knee length ruffled smiley-face print pajamas to bed every night. in the mornings, she shuffles around looking sedated. when she brushes her teeth, she blows her nose into her hands and wipes snot on the sink. i have never wanted to punch anyone so hard, so much.

oh, and: Saddle Creek Records to Spend over $10 Million Building Venue/Bar, Pizza Shop, and Theater in Omaha, NE

i am saving gas money starting now.

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I Wait, I Wait, I Wait, for the Birthday Girl and the Pinback Corps Saturday, May 28 2005

:: 2005 28 May :: 11.22 pm
:: Mood: toasty
:: Music: Chariots of Fire Theme
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bonfire at ben’s tonight. one part last-winter movie-nights, one part television commercial. we burnt a pleather jacket and it sent up a giant billowing funnel of black, toxic smoke, which was a good experience. also burnt the man stick, jalepeno peppers, and all things plastic. there was a train of ducklings in the water as it got dark out, and the silhouette was an entire childrens book. hunter wore a v. flattering fishnet top, and peter velvet pants, as they were tragically thrown from heffalump boogaloo island into the snapping-turtle infested waters.

would have been perfect if: emmet had come and gone swimming and been goofy, schauer had been there and not been anywhere else, keith had been there without it mattering.

when i close my eyes, the world is split between colors, and needs coloring in before i could dream of rasterizing anything. my feet spent so long by the fire that they’re basically toasted; my shins might be glowing with warmth under this quilt. i had never seen the goonies before – i loved it, but i only saw the second half. i will watch it completely with emmet, as he has always wanted me to see it. of course, right to persist. i kidnapped a box of graham crackers and a chocobar enormity for le semaine d’examinations…

bari is home and everyone is so excited. she was gone for a very very long time, but i still feel like i don’t go here. annie is coming home with boyfriend hadrian, says rumor, a hotso thirty year old parisian. i even talked to margot dess tonight.

[emmet crashed his car and i have been so disheartened that an online journal entry has been entirely inappropariate. oh, tranny, i miss you so. you were the very first car i ever loved. you were good and cheaply upholstered and comforting and protective and i loved you for your faults, your nail, the layer of my extra clothing in the back, the broken spindle (one), the mcdonalds toys, and the music nook. i loved the run down engine that broke frequently and always reparably, i loved the broken bumper, i loved getting out of that car and walking into sheetz and feeling arrogant, couldn't be helped because we had the name. catastrophe team. where are we?]

craig and ashley, katie and hunter, lizzie and doug disesa, han and leia, stanley and tien tien, abelard and heloise.

(hunter, suneil, adam and i rode home in the back of a broken truck. it was a nice drive. i stared at the sky.)

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Un Bar Aux Foiles-Bergere (Un Bar dans la Station de Métro Vienna) Thursday, Apr 21 2005

:: 2005 21 April :: 12.33 pm
:: Mood: efficient
:: Music: Greentrials, Rented Clothes
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Tsunami Relief Concert
Saturday, May 7th @ WRA
5-9 PM Front Field

Ecliptic: cannot spell, has gimmicky letter Y placed at some unfortunate location in their moniker, thus requiring an extra twenty minutes of rubber stamping after i flattened the godforsaken concert poster.

Amadeus: has an inferiority complex masked by annoying demands, delaring seniority priveleges left and right now that freshman Eclyptic won the cleveland high school rock off last year; refuses to drive self to show or use commoner port-o-potties.

Motive: [Quote] “Hi everyone, i’m clayton of Moore and i come from a daint little establishment called Hudson, Ohio. In this town I have been playing music since the grade of four. The instruments I have been playing are the bass guitar, cello, and the acoustic guiatr. while i play these instruents I enjoy writing songs with my good pals Zack and Bryan. Our music is very different in the sense we don’t really play real music, we think it… you see we are so smart we don’t even know how to play music we create it in our minds. This has brought a problem to us however, no one can hear our beautiful melodies. So we kill them.”

PikachuMilk: actually can you just put our logo cause its mega sweet

(Richard Flemming needs no further explanation, i assume. they are some kids with ultralocal celebrity and they all say hullo.)

i have stopped noting anniversaries. example: two years ago, seven hundred and thirty times twenty four (give or take a few in prague), i was in ross’s kitchen, sitting on the counter, watching him inhale N20 from reddi-whip cans, waiting for the stock market crash of 2003. chemicals are weird: hippie crack, rocket fuel oxidiser, and whipped cream foamer, all in one. i am remembering now that i left my favorite black shirt somewhere in beaver creek, and i have been looking for it ever since.

there is a ned quote that i would like to use here but i never knew it by heart, just – the idea. of ned.

i want to go to wesleyan. i want to go to school with film students and alexandra verville in particular. i want this man sean mccann to be my teacher, because he wrote Gumshoe America: Hard-Boiled Crime Fiction and the Rise and Fall of New Deal Liberalism.

today, after school, as i’ll do all the other days after school, i am going to sit at the corner window table in caribou and work. for the first time at reserve, i do not have head-pressure toe flexing homework horror- the only thing i can compare that to is the feeling of absolutely needing to shut yourself into a closet, and your father refusing to let you. it is that sort of brain ache. but it is gone, and i feel like i should be wearing a goddamned suit, because everything is easy again. still, though, i am not sure what to do with myself – my body feels gangly and awkward in the presence of that one kid, as if there wasn’t any space in which to fold up myself or remain confident in gravity. i just don’t understand him and i wanted to try.

relax. (it’s over.)

rachel: i need a drink
rachel: NEED it
lucy: sigh
lucy: et moi aussi
lucy: i would actually not be adverse to amaretto
rachel: me either…not at this point

cherry chapstick and almond-flavored cookies make us queasy, along with the U.S. AP, which is on may sixth.

(screw supporting local business – coffee on main serves terrible food and absymal coffee, and the owner is a total jerk.)

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